In her poem “For the White Person Who Wants to Know How to Be My Friend,” African American feminist Pat Parker talks about desires and demands for potential white friends. The first two verses from the poem (“The first thing you do is to forget that i’m black. Second, you must never forget that i’m black.”) are often quoted to make clear that neither a total focus or even a fixation on blackness nor a denial of the experiences and perspectives that go along with it can be the basis of a friendship/partnership/cooperation, but rather white people must always weigh up, depending on the situation, which role blackness and whiteness play for the current situation.
Pat Parker 1978: Movement in Black: The Collected Poetry of Pat Parker, 1961-1978 . New York: Diana Press.
For the White Person Who Wants to Know How to Be My Friend
The first thing you do is to forget that I’m black.
Second, you must never forget that I’m black.
You should be able to dig Aretha,
but don’t play her every time i come over.
And if you decide to play Beethoven – don’t tell me
his life story. They make us take music appreciation too.
Eat soul food if you like it, but don’t expect me
to locate your restaurants
or cook it for you.
And if some Black person insults you,
mugs you, rapes your sister, rapes you,
rips your house or is just being an ass-
please, do not apologize to me
for wanting to do them bodily harm.
It makes me wonder if you’re foolish.
And even if you really believe Blacks are better lovers than
Whites- don’t tell me. I start thinking of charging stud fees.
In other words- if you really want to be my friend – don’t
make a labor of it. I’m lazy. Remember.